Stop and Stare
by Oktober TM
Summary: A young girl from Delaware runs away to San Francisco, where she meets a woman, Sara Sidle, who is just as broken as her. Pre-Season 9


**This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us**

October walked down the streets of Wilmington, knowing this would be the last time. Sure, she'd come back to visit family and friends on occasion; but this would be her last time as a resident and community member of the little town. No matter how cold and bitter the town had been toward her and her differences her whole life, the town somehow seemed even colder as she paced it for the last time. The town was just as tired of her as she was of it. She had never truly been able to call Delaware her home, yeah, that was where she lived but she never felt like she belonged. It felt more like being on a lay over flight to some middle ground before you reach your destination.

**It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust**

Somehow it seemed like the town was calling out to her that this was her last chance, this was her time to make her move and once and for all leave. She had to shake off any fear or doubts, and do what was best. It was easier said than done.

**I've got my heart set on anywhere but here**

She looked down at the pamphlet in her hand. It was showing her various places around the country, nice places, not so nice places, cities, small towns, she didn't really care. She just wanted to get out of here, it didn't matter where she went just as long as it wasn't near here.

**I'm staring down myself, counting up the years**

October trudged back into her apartment, for what would definitely be the last time. She looked in the mirror at who she was today, because tomorrow she would be stranger; she already was a stranger. She examined herself from head to toe; her black hair was messy and thrown up into a ponytail, her hazel eyes were bloodshot, and it looked as if there were permanent bags under her eyes. She counted it all up, every year since she had lost herself, every year since she had longed to get out of here, and all the chances she had.

**Steady hands, just take the wheel**

She felt some familiarity, sitting in her truck. She couldn't bring herself to put it in gear, she could only sit there, just thinking quietly to herself. This was going to be the first step in the new life she knew she had to create for herself. What if it wasn't time? What if she was destined to be here? She couldn't think anymore, she could feel the tears coming. October put her head down on the dashboard, covering her head to keep anyone from seeing it. It felt as if someone else had taken the wheel, there was no motion just slow tears trickling down her face, as if they were taunting her, reminding her of the place she was leaving.

**And every glance is killing me**

She was moving now. Past all the places she had grown up, places she may never get another chance to see. It was killing her, but she couldn't look away. There was the school she had went to; memories of playing soccer on the field, her best friend's blue balloon flying into the air, she could almost see her and her best friend in second grade, who had went on to stab her in the back, as little kids swinging on the swings. There was the middle school; the place where most of her depression started. The place she couldn't bring herself to be happy at, the place she had never felt accepted, yet had found some great people that had a big impact on her life.

**Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead**

This was the last time. Never, ever again would she reside here in Wilmington, Delaware. It was too late to turn back now. She had said goodbye to the people that mattered, but the only ones she would continue to keep in contact with was her family and two closest friends. These were all people from her past, and moving on meant leaving them behind, no matter how much it hurt.

**Stop and stare**

There was nothing to do but stare. She jerked the car into park, and got out. She was stopped on the hill in the crossing of two neighborhoods. The memories came back; being 8 years old and sledding down the sled and into the road with her neighbor Kayla, looking for houses in one of the neighborhoods in the sixth grade, and visiting one of her friends from kindergarten who lived in the apartments near by. Her whole childhood had taken place in this town, was she willing to leave this? All of it?

**I think I'm moving but I go nowhere**

She went back to the car, she had to leave. The car was moving, but it didn't feel like she was going anywhere, she was still surrounded by the much-too-familiar area she had spent all 22 years of her life so far. The car was moving but her body wasn't.

**Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared**

Everyone had to get scared at some point, right? But was their fear as hard to handle? She was fearing a lot right now; what the people here would do, how she would cope with leaving behind a part of her, that she would be unable to live in a stable environment, that she would hate wherever she ended up, that she would feel just as bad there, that she would never get better. All of the overwhelming fears caused her to feel like she had been punched in the stomach, and she winced at the thought of it all. No. She needed to stop. If you live in fear, you aren't really living at all.

**But I've become what I can't be, oh**

The truth was, she had become something she wasn't able to live up to. She was afraid she had lost herself far too long ago to ever gain back her old self. If and when she healed she would be a different person; and she was afraid of who that person may be. Ever since middle school, she had been forced to change, and to live up to others expectations instead of her own. She was living to please other people, and had never learned to please herself, which had caused her to loose herself in the midst of it all. She had forced herself to hide emotion, to always be strong, not to break down, to give into peer pressure, to follow trends, to do what everyone else was doing and put up with it. But what about what she wanted? Did that even matter?

**Stop and stare**

She stopped the car again; outside of the mall. She had many memories from this place; back to school shopping, forcing herself to wear clothes that people wouldn't judge her for, loathing herself for not being as pretty and skinny as all of the other girls. The place she got her first cell phone, bought Christmas presents, the place with the best pizza. No matter how dumb it sounded, this place had a lot of importance in her life and building her character. She just stared, unable to believe she may never see this place again; a place she had becoming so undeniably familiar with.

**You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'**

She couldn't help but wonder why she was still here. Was there a reason she had been born and imprisoned in this town? Why was she here? It was time to leave, and say goodbye to everyone and everything here.

**And you'd give anything to get what's fair**

This was only fair to her. She had spent her whole life trying to please others and give them what they wanted, but now was the time for her to make things fair, and for once, do what she wanted. Even if that meant leaving her life behind, leaving behind the only home she had ever known, the people she had grown up with, and the place where her childhood had taken place.

**But fair ain't what you really need**

Maybe having everything be "fair" wasn't what was really needed. Maybe she should just suck it up and stay, life wasn't fair, why should this be any different? Should she hurt the only people she had been forced to know and love? Was this fair to them?

**Oh, can you see what I see?**

October was doubting herself now. Would anyone else understand why she was about to do the things she was going to do? Would anyone else be able to see what she saw? That this town would be better off without her and she would be better off without this town.

**They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push**

It felt as if everything in her body stopped. All her senses turned off, and she focused on her thoughts. Maybe this wasn't the right thing to do. All she could do was look around at the town she grew up in, listen to the sounds of her past, taste the familiar surroundings, smell the polluted air, and feel everything she had ever felt all at the same time.

**Untie the weight bags, Some never thought I could**

She had always said that one day, when she turned 22, she was going to leave this town and never come back. Everyone had doubted her, saying that she wouldn't have to guts to leave against her parents wishes and go out on her own, taking care of herself in a place where she didn't know anyone. She had to get rid of what was holding her back, she was finally ready; she was letting go of who she was, she was leaving, erasing the memories, and ignoring the voices of doubt she had always heard.

**Steady feet, don't fail me now**

She had made the decision now, and was very sure of it. Everything inside of her was telling her she was making the right decision, everything except her feet. They were nailing her to the ground, not allowing her to walk back to her car.

**Gonna run till you can't walk**

October did the only thing that seemed rational at the time; she ran as fast as she possibly could. If she ran hard and fast, she wouldn't have time to think about what she was doing, her feet wouldn't be able to hold her back.

**Something pulls my focus out**

She saw her at that moment. Taylor had changed a lot since middle school, but she would never NOT recognize her. She was no longer focused on running away, but on the sad girl that was making her way over to her.

"So you're actually leaving?" Taylor asked, her mousy brown hair in a ponytail and her dark eyes full of sadness.

"I really am. I need to, for me. I can't stay here, if I do I'm afraid I'll completely loose myself, if I don't make my getaway right now, i'll never do it."

Taylor looked anywhere but at her eyes, nodding her head, "Well, I wish you luck. Call me?"

"I... I don't know if I can do that. I kind of made a vow not to keep in contact with anyone from my old life once I've started over."

Taylor looked almost mad now, "What?! We were best friends."

"I'll try. I'll really, really try. But this isn't about me, I want to do what is best for everyone else."

Taylor nodded, "So I guess this is goodbye?"

October nodded back, "Guess so. Bye Taylor."

The two girls hugged, both doubting that she was making the right decision.

She was crying now, harder then she had been before. She had just said goodbye to one of her best friends, someone who she was always supposed to be there for, was she letting everyone down?

**And I'm standing down**

She was staring herself down for the last time. If she kept doubting herself and questioning her actions, she would never do what she had planned. She had been a coward her whole life, but she wasn't going to be anymore. No, never again. This was her chance to prove to everyone who had doubted her that she was going to stay true to her word.

**Stop and stare**

October continued to stare at everything she passed by. She had never given any thought to what it would really be like; leaving the town for the last time. It was different than she expected. Hating this town and the people in it so much, she always figured she would be relieved and excited to get out, not depressed, unconfident, and heartbroken.

**I think I'm moving but I go nowhere**

She still didn't feel like she was going anywhere. She was just driving around in circles, still debating whether her choices where right and still debating what destination she would buy an airline ticket for.

**Yeah I know that everyone gets scared**

She couldn't be the only person that had ever been through this before. It seemed as if, though, most people's whole families had grown up here, probably because Delaware wasn't exactly a model place to live. It was dirty, cold, non - accepting, close-minded, and nothing very exciting or eventful ever went on.

**But I've become what I can't be, oh**

She was no longer the witty, sarcastic, funny, talkative, random, and cheerful person she had once been. The word that described her now were quiet, reserved, depressed, unconfident, and pessimistic. She was determined to eliminate those characteristics.

**Stop and stare**

It was still hard to look around her. It was full of memories, good and bad, her childhood, family, friends, laughs, tears and everything in between.

**You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'**

Why was she still here? What was she waiting for? She put the car in drive, and sped off as fast as the speed limit would allow. She had a peculiar confidence now, and was determined to do what was right.

**And you'd give anything to get what's fair**

Fair was staying, fair was not letting the people who cared down, and she would do anything to keep them from being upset. The only possible way she could do this was by leaving though, leaving would be much, much better for the people who cared about her, then she could be happy, she could help them out, and she would be strong and happy enough for them to no longer worry about her.

**But fair ain't what you really need**

If fair was staying, that wasn't what she needed. She didn't need to be fair if that meant risking all she had worked for. She was leaving. No questions asked.

**Oh, you don't need**

The heat was turned up as she looked around one last time. This would be the FINAL time she turned around in a circle and drove through the whole town. In no time at all, she would be at the Philadelphia airport, boarding a plane to some state on the west coast.

**What you need, what you need, what you need**

This was doing what she needed, what everyone needed. Despite the thoughts she had her whole life, sometimes you need to put yourself before others.

**Stop and stare**

"Goodbye." October whispered, almost inaudibly.

**I think I'm moving but I go nowhere**

She was moving, to a whole new place, but she herself wasn't going anywhere. She was making a run for it and was going to do whatever it took to restore all she had lost.

**Yeah I know that everyone gets scared**

Her friends and family were scared for her, she didn't know anyone where she was going and she would have to be 100% dependent on herself.

**But I've become what I can't be**

She could no longer be the person that everyone knew her as. She had to make some changes for not only herself, but everyone else. There came a time in everyones life that they had to make a big decision; whether to change or stay the same. Her choice was change.

**Oh, do you see what I see?**

There was the airport. The place she had been no more than 2 times previously, but now it represented hope and a chance for a new beginning.

"I'd like to book the next flight to San Francisco."


End file.
